We’ve all had junk mail. We’ve all hated it. We’ve all deleted it. 

But Author James Veitch decided to reply to his junk mail, and got some funny results. 

A woman by the name of ‘Elena’ sent a message saying:

My name is Elena. i am searching for an understanding person who see love as the only way of trust and care. i have something important to tell you

James replied: 

Elena, That’s SO weird. I was searching for an understanding person who see love as the only way of trust and care right when you emailed. What’s this important thing you have to tell me? James Veitch

Elena was happy to find out she could now have love: 

Dear James, I am 24 years old, 5.6ft tall, never married before. i am a girl who loves to give people happiness always despite what the circumstance might look like.
Most of my hobbies are, reading novels, jogging, listening to music, cooking, listen to music, tv and movies.
I like honest, real, sincere and trustworthy people. But i hate dishonest, cheaters, and irresponsible peoples. I have a cat. His name is Homka. Elena

Imagine. James and Elena with their cat!

James said:

Let me introduce myself, too. I am Mr James Veitch (rhymes with ‘peach’), 5’10” tall.
I, too, have never married though my mother keeps asking probing questions about whether I’ve ‘met someone’.
It’s really nice to make your acquaintance. I, too, love movies and hate dishonest people! It’s exciting to meet someone who shares the same esoteric range of likes and dislikes as I do.
I can’t help noticing that you listed listening to music twice in your hobbies.
Was this an oversight or are you just very passionate about listening to music?
My hobbies are playing piano and guitar, pining for girls, worrying about climate change, pining for girls and the poetry of John Keats.

Elena said:

Dearest James I wish to let you know that sincerely is the best way in life.
though we might be thousands of miles away from each other but it does not matter,what really matters in life is love not distance or color.
I want to love and be loved. If you don’t mind to meet me please tell me the name of your city and nearest international airport! I will book my flight from Moscow.
I think you are interested that I don’t have a boyfriend, because all men here look on my visual aspect and I want somebody who will look inside me. Elena

James was sympathetic: 

I’m so sorry you haven’t found anyone to look inside you yet. Come to London — I’ll sort you out with an Oyster card. The nearest international airport is Heathrow. There’s Gatwick, too but, to be honest, it’s a pain.
Don’t get me started on Stansted. I’m quite excited to see you. But so soon? Do you normally fly out to meet someone you’ve just met?? James (call me Jimbo, please)

Elena attached a photo & said: 

My honey Jimbo!!!!
Every my cell shouts about how it wants to see you. I didn’t guess that tickets costs so much. May be you could borrow some money?! You may send it by Western Union. It is pretty easy to use. Here is a picture to show that I am real.

James said: 

Love the picture.
Every my cell shouts too! Will you bring Homka with you?

Elena said:

Without your help I will not be able to fly to you. But I do not want to be lonely again. I want you to warm your hands up in the back pockets of my jeans. I want you to love me. I do no know homka. Who is homka?

Don’t forget Homka! James said:

Homka is your cat and, frankly, if you can forget about Homka so easily, what’s to stop you forgetting about me?
But I want to see you, too. Not only do I want to warm my hands in the back pocket of your jeans but I get the distinct impression you would like to dip your hands into my back pocket, too. Much love, James
P.S. Somewhere, in Moscow, there is a hungry cat

Elena was not heard from again. 

Have you ever replied to junk mail? What happened? 

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