In some cases I’ve probably listened to the wrong people. For example when hearing what people have to say of an older generation, I typically hear something along the lines of
“I wish I spent my youth more wisely.”
Some following, if not most I’ve heard, how they’d of loved to had more sex. Which was probably what I took away most after having a tad too much sex with a tad too many people. It’s a sad thing to say but after a while, people start to get mad at you. Though that’s old Eliza and bad Eliza. But the question to this is “Would I be better off not having slept with as many people?”
My college years were not spent wisely at all. If I had to go back, I would probably still have done Creative Media. In a lot of ways it set me up and excelled my knowledge in multimedia. Perhaps even going on to do an extended diploma wouldn’t have been a bad idea either. Either way, I spent my last two years doing Photography. Despite Photography leading me to meet a lot of people, over-all I wasn’t beneficial. I’d of been much better doing a Business Studies course and have something all around. As now, later on it life, I now know Photography is trash and anyone who’s going into the media is doomed — next to wanting to excel in some form of writing career. But I do not blame myself for not considering writing as a career option. As even now I find writing to be the worst of my abilities. To the point where I actually quite detest writing.
I could even entertain telling my past-self to stick at art, becoming the better animator while I had more time and getting use to Flash a lot sooner. Or perhaps never moving out of either of my parents.Though these all come down to the question of “Would I be happier if..?”
If I were completely honest I’d say “No.”
My past is my past. It’s full of mistakes I’d never repeat again. Yes, in some cases I regret and would take back everything if I could but when would I learn? Is there a necessity to me learning these life experiences? Do they make me the better person?
So… If I had to write my letter, I can’t imagine it being as positive as Alexa’s. In some ways I’d even consider somehow going through more trauma, more heart break and hurt to better myself in other respects.
But if I had to… I can imagine it’d be something like this:
I hope you’re alright. I hope you’re not feeling shitty again because I know I do. Did you know our mood swings aren’t even bipolar like we thought? Weird shit.
You don’t know it yet and you won’t for a good few years from now but… Life’s going to get really shitty. While you’re trying to find yourself, you’ll find others who want the same. You’ll learn later than others — that it really is a lonely world. At least… It’s a lonely world for me now. Things are slowly getting better but you’ll gain something from it. It’s purely sentimental but you’ll know melancholy and it’s value.
In some ways I want you to be careful and — in the end — happy but in other ways, I’d rather stay the same. Even therapy scares me for the wrong reasons. How do I know the feelings I write from now won’t be lost? It’s all rather confusing.
I suppose in a lot of ways there’s nothing I really want to say to you. I don’t particularly like you but neither am I interested in benefiting myself from my past. I’m certain a lot of people would ask to have their traumas taken away but I’m neither proud, happy or sad with my past despite my regrets and what I should have done differently.
Unlike Alexa (you’ll find out eventually) I’m not going to thank you. Instead, I hope you have a good time fucking up your life for me to enjoy putting it back together! Seriously, leave it to me. I got this one! Have a great time being yourself because what can I do? I know myself too well. I will never accept the advice I give myself and neither am I willing to change at your point in time.
As confusing as this letter is and how vague it is… Go fuck yourself!
Because I now know you’re laughing at the funny swear words.
Hope you’re doing okay for once though, seriously. I don’t remember much now of my past but I hope you’re good today.
No love, no kisses, eat a dick…
P.S. — Look for a locket named ‘Isaac’.